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The Hills We Die On. Or Not

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On a recent road trip, I listened to the audio version of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear, a book I read and loved ten years ago. It’s a good one to revisit. 
Gilbert writes of her childhood crippling fears about pretty much everything. In response to her mother’s unshakeable faith in her strength and abilities, Elizabeth would do almost anything to prove she was, in fact, enfeebled. She refused to thrive. For years.

One day, in adolescence, she woke up to the idea that defending her weakness was a really weird battle to be fighting. “Was this seriously the hill I wanted to die on?”

“Argue for your limitations and you get to keep them.”

The passage got my attention. 


My mother stepped off many hills throughout her life. Too many to name. Hills she could have allowed to limit her. It’s not fair of me to choose the one she did struggle with—and who wouldn’t—vision loss. She told me she couldn’t see—with her eyes—what I was describing in detail, encouraging her to pivot to seeing it in her mind, her heart, her memory. She led conversations with, “I can’t see.” “Why do you tell everyone you can’t see?” I asked. “Because people might think I see more than I can.” “What if they do?” I countered, to no response.

Thank goodness I don’t argue for my limitations. (Insert raucous laughter.) Okay, here are a few.


  • I can’t draw/play my ukulele. (Either take lessons and practice, practice, practice, or let it go.)
  • I’m lousy at making friends and nurturing relationships. (How can you be a better friend? Now go and do it.)
  • I can’t take care of this property. (Hire someone. Move. Let go of what you can’t do. Stop bitching. Above all, appreciate what you have while you have it.) [Aside: God love her, how many times did my mother say, “I just need to move.” Note to children: Say to me, “Let’s make that happen.” Accept no shit from my passive aggressiveness.]
  • I’m not good at anything. (Anything? Really? Make a list of what you are good at—not perfect, but good enough. Or do it for love, even if you aren’t good at it.)
  • I was a terrible caregiver to my mother. (You had shortcomings for sure, but did you ever stop trying? Forgive yourself.)


I enjoy good health at 73. I’m in no position to judge people who struggle. And I’m not judging. But I wonder, when the time comes—which it most certainly will—that my body weakens, how will I deal with it? Will simply deciding in advance that I’ll choose a positive response over a negative one, be enough? Where can I practice now?

I’ve been a hiker for the past decade plus. I’ve gotten good at it. Not female-elder-hiker-record-worthy good, just committed-day-hiker-on-modest-trails good. I got stronger and smarter over the years, as I gained the expertise that only comes from sticking with something. In the past couple years, though, I’ve begun to experience the decline that comes with elderhood. I’m listening to what my body is asking of me, and weighing my choices. 1. Quit hiking, or moderate my trail choices? 2. Stop hiking when I can’t do it solo, or join a hiking group? 3. Join a group now? 4. Grumble about aches and pains, or accept them—queue up ibuprofen and a heating pad. 


There are endless decisions to be made in the third act of life—at whatever age that comes. We can say “I can’t” and give up, or “I can” and keep going with altered abilities and expectations. And if vision loss is my hill, I hope I will be brave and lead, not with “I can’t,” but with “I can see it if you describe it to me.” 


Meanwhile, I do more yoga and get a monthly massage. I hope to be a hiking grandma for a few more years.

P.S. I saw the hiking grandma graphic on a t-shirt on a trail a few years ago. I never got the shirt, but I’ve had the graphic on my laptop for a long time, waiting to use it!

 

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Your turn! Are there, or have there been, limitations or fears you’ve clung to rather than find your way past them? Care to share? If you’ve overcome a tough one, how did you do it? Leave a comment below.

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Every single day you live, you make a difference in the world.
And you get to choose the difference that you make.
Jane Goodall (1934-2025)

 

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The Third Act Organ Recital

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Most Mondays, after my yoga class, I drop in for tea and conversation with my older sister and her husband. We haven’t lived close enough for regular visits since she graduated from high school in 1965. A year ago this month, they moved from Virginia to Washington and live twenty minutes from me. I envy those who have been close to their siblings their entire lives—perhaps in spite of physical distance—but there is no point in dwelling in that particular house, I can only live in this one. Time, now, is growing short. Onward.

I’m tempted to say we have little in common, which would not be untrue (though I wonder, if we all recognized we have humanity in common with every other person and went from there, could this be a better world?). Here’s what we undeniably do share, other than DNA: A childhood (the first act of life) and the fact of elderhood (the third act). It’s interesting that in this last act, recalling the first act and exploring our differing recall and experience is ongoing fascination. It’s like a jigsaw puzzle to piece it all together into something resembling a whole. (Someday, I suppose, it will be all we can remember.)

Last week, over tea, we had our bit of the requisite “organ recital.” I was telling her about the excruciating back pain I’d had the week before, what with hiking—and the seven hours in the car, which the three hour hike bisected—and rebuilding my meadow garden, with heavy lifting (e.g. bags of sand, bark, and soil), along with digging out hardened mole hills and laying down cardboard and landscape cloth between the raised beds. I worked through the pain, determined to finish the job before the rain returned for the next many days. In other words, I did not listen to my body and what it should not do that particular day. For twenty-four hours, I could barely walk, get up from the chair, or turn over in bed.

The interesting thing was my thoughts—as I am drawing my foot back to kick down the gate into my seventy-third year next month—went like this: “Well, this it it. I’m going to have chronic back pain from here out. Hard work is done, hiking is done, this is my forever now.” The next day, when it was much better after rest and an ibuprofen/acetaminophen regimen, I wondered had I known I would get quickly back to normal, might I have been more tolerant of the pain and inconvenience the previous day? Along the same lines, the tendinitis in my hand, which began more than a year ago, took much longer to get better. I was making my peace with it being something I would have to live with. I won’t say it’s 100% pain free, but I’m back to using two trekking poles and everything else I need hands for.

As we talked, I recalled having sciatica in 1980. It never occurred to me at 28 that it was my forever. It was just a “shit happens” thing. Now, everything feels like a potential crisis. That is what I least like about this time of life.

What I am most loving about the third act—so unlike the second act when we are often just trying to get through the days and sometimes looking forward to the far off future—is learning to enjoy this moment, this day, this sunrise, this rainstorm, this hike, this flower, this conversation. As I write this, I’m watching a dark-eyed junco on the deck rail. Is it questioning the empty feeder, or just enjoying a moment in a spot of sun on a dark day?

What I am wondering: what if I approach the set backs with the same kind of observation and interest? Oh, my back hurts today. How can I change my plan for the day to accommodate what is happening in this moment? Maybe I need not clean out the flower bed or power wash the patio, and instead just sit in the sun or take a nap—or both.

I am sensitive to the fact that many do have chronic pain and illness. My father did, both polymyositis and heart disease, along with the complicating effects of the treatments. It was brutal. If you are living with a chronic condition, I hope you have found what brings you joy in whatever your body is able to do.

How are you caring for your beautiful self on the good days and on the challenging ones? Let me know in the comment section. I would love to hear from you. [A note about commenting on a post: Click the subscribe drop down arrow at the top of the comment section and provide your information (it is private) to receive an email when someone replies to your comment. I, at least, will always reply!]